Aside from also being footwear, waders have
almost nothing in common with shoes or boots. Old boots and shoes are
like old friends in that there is a shared intimacy and familiarity that
brings contentment, comfort, and a small smile to the wearer. Old waders
are psychotic and will turn on you the first chance they get. They may
even be possessed by the devil.
Coming from a family where trout fishing is
religion, I, naturally have owned many pairs of waders. As often as they
all have leaked, I am surprised that I have not developed webbed feet or
other amphibian features. My feet have become permanently clammy though,
but at least this unique physical feature saves me from having my wife
warm her feet on me at night in the dead of winter. All I have to do is
barely touch her with a single toe and she keeps quite nicely to her own
side of the bed.
After years of experience with leakages from a
variety of waders, I have undertaken a semi-non-scientific-scientific
study. In this study, I have discovered many things about waders.
Waders, for some unknown reason, are made of the most easily biodegradable
material known to mankind. Some are even water soluble. Several times I
have received brand-new waders for Christmas, only to have them leak and
completely disintegrate on the opening day of Michigan's trout season in
April. Due to these experiences, I believe waders should come with an
expiration date and say: “Best when used by date xx/xx/xx.” After the
expiration date on a pair of waders has passed, a fisherman should just
jump in the river naked or, if you're fishing in an urban area, with a pair of cut offs. After all, there's
no sense making a futile attempt to put off the unavoidable hypothermia by
wearing them. Also, unlike every other molecular structure known to
mankind, the material waders are made out of actually accelerates its
decomposition when it gets colder. For example, waders disintegrate twice
as fast while steelhead fishing in January than they do fishing for brook
trout in July, although in either case, you will be wet well before noon.
Waders have also been known to spring
substantial leaks and soak the legs of the wearer while he or she was
still standing on dry ground. A close friend of mine almost drowned while
trying on a new pair of waders on his back porch last spring. He said it
was nearly impossible to swim out of a pair of waders while still on dry
land. If he hadn’t been trying out a new personal flotation device at the
same time, he’d have been a goner.
Perhaps most perplexing is the unique ability
waders have that allows them to leak water at least twenty degrees colder
than the water temperature of the lake or river you happen to be standing
in. As a matter of fact, it can be ninety degrees outside on a sunny July
day and your waders can leak water cold enough to give you a serious case
of frostbite. Emergency room staffs give you a funny look when you go in
to be treated for frostbite in July, but once you explain you are a trout
fisherman who was wearing waders, they understand.
So, what can be done to ensure dry feet when
pursuing fish via the wading method? Through much experimentation, I have
come up with a couple of methods, that while they don’t completely
eliminate leaks in waders, substantially reduce the occurrences of leaks
to the point of almost total dryness, even while you are actually wading.
This first method requires some advance
planning and does not work for the spontaneous fisherman who just decides
to go fishing on a whim. Right now, I am working with several sporting
goods stores to get them to offer stream side wader delivery in order for
the fisherman to have the freshest waders possible. It is hoped that by
having waders this fresh that they will actually be able to last for an
entire day’s fishing. The optimum situation here would be for a second
delivery right after lunch, simply for the added security and
semi-guaranteed dryness this might bring.
My best solution for the problem of leaky
waders is an invention that I have been working on for about six months
now. Under the assumption that waders will leak regardless of any
precautions the user takes, this invention gets rid of the water from
these leaks as quickly as possible. I've built a portable 5-horsepower
sump pump that sits on a backpack frame. A “Y” connector attached to it
allows a hose to go down into each leg of the waders. As soon as you feel
a leak, crank the motor up and presto, dryness is yours once again. Once
all the bugs are worked out, I fully expect to get a day and a half to
even two whole days out of a single pair of waders using this pump. It’s
almost finished and at this point, I only need to idle the motor down a
little so that the pump quits sucking the socks off my feet and stops
creating a vacuum that cuts off the circulation to my legs. The only other
downsides to it are the twice-weekly trips to the chiropractor and the
eventual back surgery that I will need from using this device. It also
needs a quieter muffler so that it quits scaring fish, but, if this works
as well as I hope, my clammy feet might be history. However, if this
happens, I may need a new scheme during the middle of winter in order to
keep my wife’s cold feet off of me.
ööööööööööööö
Archy Wiseman is an outdoor
writer and humorist. As a hopelessly but harmlessly deranged angler,
hunter, and dog trainer, Archy was naturally drawn to the seriously
questionable efforts of the Fly Fish Ohio Team. This is Archy's first
contribution to FFO. We most sincerely hope it won't be his last...
You can read Archy's thoughts on life. liberty and the need for a smart
dog, a tight shot pattern and friends with access to well-stocked farm ponds
on his blog at www.archywiseman.com
